Does It Really Matter?

I know I'm not much of a blogger, and I know I've said I would change that. I haven't. Does that really matter?

There are a lot of things that I would rather be doing besides sitting at a computer all day. I usually blog to write down my stressors, my feelings on some things, or even if I'm just bored. Lately, there's been a lot of stupid stuff going on, and I feel it's time for me to jot it all down and get it off my chest since there isn't anyone around here who can help me.

First off, while I was pregnant with my son, the world suddenly started to fall apart. We were living in a one-bedroom apartment less than 600 sq.ft. with me, Husband, Daughter and soon, Son. We asked to upgrade but were told that we'd be okay. September 2013 rolls around, my son is six months old and our lease is up. We don't have anywhere to go. Husband transfers jobs up to North Texas where we've been trying to get for awhile. Perfect! .. Kinda.

We don't have anywhere to go for the time being, but planned on having one really soon, so we moved in with in-laws. That gave Daughter someone to play with continuously and gave me something to do throughout the day. What I didn't know at the time was that we would end up being there for almost three months.

There were constantly people I didn't know coming in and out of that house at random hours of every day. There was drinking, drugs, drama, fighting....
Too often I felt unsafe there. We had nowhere to go, so what was I supposed to do?  Does it really matter?

Day in and day out I'm searching for apartments while Husband drives an hour everyday to and from work. Since we were no longer paying rent, we could help them with groceries and cleaning and stuff like that. At one point, there were 15 people staying at that house. Out of everyone, Husband and I were the only ones helping to pitch in. Then the Brother-In-Law had the nerve to ask for another $100/Month to help with the light bill. Didn't say one word to everyone else staying there.

I was constantly feeling left out of things. Constantly felt like they didn't want us there. So I tried my hardest to get out. I sincerely felt like that uncool kid that sits down at the lunch table at school, and everyone else around him stands up. I thought I would never get out of there.

Finally, it starts to look up. We find a nice apartment. We get everything we need paid for. Now the problem is getting the rental history from the last apartment.

..Yay.

The new apartments couldn't approve us to move in because we owe the last apartment $1,000 some-odd dollars for unpaid rent, carpet cleaning (AND) replacement, changing the locks (Which I thought was state law that they were required to do so anyway) and "damages."

Whatever. So we couldn't get the new apartment. Does that really matter?

At this point, Husband and I have tried for a Home Loan twice. Been denied both times. We have two kids, one car, Husband has the only (read, reliable) job and we're, by definition, homeless.

I NEVER thought I would be in that position. But here, we were!

About a month goes by (It's December now) and Husband takes off a week from work so that we can go to South Carolina for his younger brothers' Graduation from Basic Training. We rented a car for the trip. More space, more fuel efficiency, more reliable. (Keep in mind, the only car we have is a 1995 Saturn.) While we are gone, we kept our car at the Brother-In-Law's house to keep it 'safe.'

Yeah, well a lot of fat good that did. In the week of our absence, it was hit. Twice. In the same spot. Someone backed into it. Twice.
Somebody there knows who did it, and nobody is 'fessing up.

Husband and I didn't even have car insurance up until the first of December. We didn't file a claim, because, seriously, with our luck, Does it really matter?

We came back to a busted up car, the In-Laws telling us we need to get out, no house, no money, and almost nothing to our name.
Great.

Well, then some good news!
I get an email about an apartment that says we've been approved. We are good to go once we get Renter's Insurance and get the power turned on. Cool. So we hop our butts to it and get the power and the renter's insurance, and the first month's rent! Almost $1,200 but hey, a bigger apartment! Our own space!

Oh, and if you're wondering where all of our stuff was being kept, the answer is in a trailer in the driveway and a storage unit.

We get the apartment, and slept on the floor the first night. We didn't have the resources to go get our stuff. The next day, however, we borrowed BIL's truck to get the trailer. We ran to storage to shove some last minute things in there, and went to the apartment to unpack. Yippee!

There is still stuff in our storage unit. Kinda.
Well, we found out while moving in that while we were packing stuff up to go to this trip to South Carolina, our storage unit got broken into. Husband's drill stuff for the army got stolen. Every last bit of it. Over $3,000 worth. Guess who's going to be responsible for that when he gets out! My playstation got stolen. I'm sure other things have been stolen, but seriously, does it really matter?

According to my husband's records in the Army, he still is not married and doesn't have two kids. Every time he takes the paperwork and the information up there, his unit "loses it" or it doesn't get 'filed correctly.'

At this point, it's been almost four years since we got married. I'm not expecting them to fix it anymore.
I'm not expecting my life to go easy anymore.
Once I think it's looking up, something bad happens again. But you know what? My husband and I have stuck by each other the whole time.
We have been through a deployment that he watched his daughter grow up online together, we have been through our car getting broken into in south Texas, we have been through multiple fights, almost evictions, being homeless, our car getting slammed into, being broke and being broken, not having enough food for ourselves but enough to feed our kids, no money for gas, borrowing from so many people it is INSANE.
We have been through so much together in the four short years we have been together, but does ANY of that really matter?

He has seen me broken down to a point that nobody else has ever seen. I have seen him at his most vulnerable moments that nobody else gets to see. After everything, what is it that we could possible have left?

We still have love. We still have our children. We still have hope. We still have our dreams. We still have each other. What else matters?

Political Rant

I haven't really blogged in a while. I think it's time I use this moment to rant.

Growing up, I lived with my grandparents. They were Republican. So anytime there was an election or anything, I had to hear about it. I saw the good and the bad of the Republican side. I never paid much attention to it, because I didn't care about it all that much. I joined the Army where I met my husband. My husband is Democratic. I hear all this stuff about the Democrats now. I've heard the good and the bad of both sides.

I still don't particularly care, but I refuse to vote the same way someone else does just because they want me to. My grandparents always told me to vote Republican, Husband is always trying to tell me to vote Democrat. The crazy part? When there is something talking smack about the Democratic party, the Husband won't watch it, but by God he'll watch everything talking smack against the Republicans. My grandparents were the same way. They would pay attention to everything talking smack about the Democrats, but they never could muster up the balls to watch something talking smack against Republicans.

Why does that bother me?
I think both sides realize that there are some stupid things involved with everyone. Neither side wants to hear how stupid they are. Both sides are scared that something will be pointed out and they'll be wrong. So they just ignore it like it never happened. If they didn't hear it, it's not true.

Going by that, I think I finally figured out which political party I'm going for. Are you ready?

.... I'm not. I'm not Independent, I'm not Republican, I'm not Democratic. I'm not anything. I listen to what is actually being said and what is actually going on, and I'll base my judgement off that. I'll vote for what I actually believe in instead of only going Democrat or Republican because that's what my party is.

If I even vote, that's how I will do it. I don't care who is on what party. I'm tired of the battle. Both parties think they are there to destroy the other. What happened to the political parties that were there to debate both sides of something? It's bad because of this.. Or it's good because of that....

When did it become a war to try to get everybody in the government on the same party?

I guess what I'm trying to say is this:

Stop trying to lead the government with your political power, and start trying to lead it with your political stance.


/rant.

Here's A Little Something...

You know what sucks? Trying to apply for a home loan. Holy Crap!

I called probably seven different companies, got transferred to about fifteen different people, and every time that I would call, they would tell me something else that would have been nice to know two months ago. Today, I finally got a call from someone who gave me every single piece of information I was trying to get to begin with.
He gave me everything I would need, everything I have, everything I need to fix and then told me exactly what to do to get the ball rolling. I have one more person to call tomorrow and then it should be smooth sailing from there. Even the credit passed! :D

I'm excited, now. Now that it's all starting to make sense about what we need and what all we have and are currently working with, I'm super happy. Seriously.

We have a budget and everything, and we have the price ranges and such. And I'm hoping that the people I call tomorrow will give us the CoE (Certificate of Eligibility) so that we have 0% down. The closing costs would be the only thing we'd have to pay, and even then, the seller could possibly pay that. But, I'm not holding my breath. I'm just happy we've gotten this far. We can finally get out of this shitty ass apartment that I've been dying to get out of for two years.
With a new baby on the way, we need more room. I'm really hoping we can get at least a 3 bedroom, 2 bath within our budget. That would be amazing.

Speaking of new baby, IV is supposed to be here in March, and I'm really hoping we can close on a house and start moving in around that time. I don't want to be moving stuff while pregnant, but I also don't want to do a whole lot of moving with two kids. Maybe I can find a babysitter for the days we move out of the apartment. Or maybe get a lot of help moving. Or both. That'd be nice.

Oh, I'm so excited!
February 23rd is the day that my best friend is throwing a baby shower for me! And then the Saturday after that, another friend of mine is getting married. I'm happy for her. Getting married makes life SO much better, and makes a lot of things easier.

Anyway, I have lots of stuff to do and take care of and stuff, so I'm out. Just figured I'd do a quick update. :)

Later!

Sweet Home Colorado!

Well, okay. Not really. But I wish.
I've only been here since yesterday, but I LOVE IT!  Minus the cold. That part sucks. But I'm sure I can get used to it. Seriously, though. The mountains are beautiful and dusted with snow on top and they look like Christmas. I'll take pictures of some here soon and put them up. They are so pretty though. The trees are gorgeous, even! If I could stay here, I so would. Go look up pictures of Colorado. Seriously. Those aren't just cliche pictures. That's SERIOUSLY what it looks like. It's absolutely breathtaking!

Anyway, besides the perfect view, my phone has absolutely zero signal. At first, I was bummed about it. But now that I've gone a full day without someone texting me about something stupid, I'm loving it. I have the ability to talk to Trey when I need to, so I don't have to have my phone constantly. So it's rather nice. And quiet (save for the MiniButt) which I don't get to experience very often. I am falling in love with this place. I really don't want to go back. However, that's where Trey's job is. Moving right now would be of utmost inconvenience.

Oh, and the weather. Holy crap. Sunday the High is supposed to be 29, and the low is 4. FOUR!! Are you kidding me?! Four degrees? I'm from Texas where the Low in the dead middle of winter is MAYBE 40. Maybe. I think I'm probably losing my mind with the whole Wanting-To-Stay-Here idea. I'm still tossing it around in my head. The view might be worth it. Might be. It's supposed to snow Saturday, which is the day of Patricia's baby shower. That's what I want to see.

Deralynn seems to be enjoying herself. She likes going outside. I usually bring her in when her widdle nose gets all pink. I let her warm up a bit, and then let her go back out. She likes it outside. She likes Patricia too! Which is a good thing, I'm assuming.

She has a photography business and she's doing a photo shoot for a two-week old baby right now who is just absolutely ADORABLE. :) Deralynn is enjoying the baby, too. She likes babies. That's a good thing since there will be one around all the time come March. Excited!

On the down side, this baby is giving my sciatic nerve a workout. When I try to take the weight off my right leg, my hip goes into spazz mode and I freeze up. I look like a dork with my arms all curled in and a weird look on my face. I'm pretty sure it's a boy, but we won't get to find out until December. Bummed, but I will eventually know! This baby is also giving me an insane case of heartburn. Constantly. All the time. Even after water. I have already started eating Tums like candy. I didn't have to do that with Deralynn until I was about 30 weeks.

Another down side to this trip - I pulled my laptop out for the first time in like six months. Internet works fine, which is great, except that my laptop overheats. Bad. And the AC Adapter has something wrong with it so it doesn't charge my battery. So basically I have a portable desktop - It's useless unless I'm near a wall outlet. Of course, I have had this laptop since my junior year in high school. It's been through three different states with me. It's made it through a toddler jumping on it all the time. It's a pretty strong little fella. I was thinking about getting a new one, but with how often I don't pull this one out, another laptop would end up with the same fate. I just don't use it enough to really merit getting another one. And besides that, Trey has a pretty new one that works just fine. We can just use it when he gets back.

That's another awesome thing! I get to see Trey for Thanksgiving! =D Super duper excited! And this will be a little TMI, but I'm pretty sure that if I wasn't already pregnant, I would end up that way on Thanksgiving weekend. ;)
His sergeant that's in charge is screwing him over pretty badly. It's getting to be more frustrating than anything. We will eventually get the situation fixed. But I still hate the Army.

:) My babygirl is getting so big. She keeps running up from down stairs screaming "MOMMY!" to make sure I'm still here, and when she sees me, she gets a big smile and says "Hi!" then gives me a kiss and runs back down stairs. Haha, she's so cute! She did really well on the flight to Colorado. She was grinning through takeoff, slept through the flight, and then when she woke up she was smiling through landing. :) No crying or fussing. She's amazing! I love her so much!

I could seriously type random little things all day. I haven't done much but I'm already in love with Colorado. I would love to just sit and stare out the window and see mountains topped with snow for the rest of my life. It's always beautiful.

Baby News!

Here's the deal.

November 7th, Deralynn and I will be flying to Denver, Colorado. I will be staying in Craig with a friend I haven't seen in 6 years! She is having a baby shower on the 10th, which is the whole reason I'm going in the first place. I will be there for the rest of the month.
On Thanksgiving, we will get to make a quick 6-hour drive (Yes, I said quick. I prefer 6 to the ever-boring 11- or 16-hour drives) to Salt Lake City, Utah to pick up my husband! He and I will find out the gender of our baby then. Here's how.

November 6th, I have a regular doctor appointment with my OB/GYN. On that day, I will also have an ultrasound to determine the gender of our baby. :)
They will NOT show me the gender, but they will put the gender pictures into a sealed envelope. I will be taking that sealed envelope with me to Colorado so when I see my husband, we can open the envelope together and find out what we will be having! Exciting, right?!

I'm stoked. Extremely. It's going to be super hard though, because I will have to keep it a secret from everyone back home, because we will be having a Gender Revealing Party!

Not sure when yet... But we will definitely be doing something that awesome. Not a baby shower but more of just the gender party. It's so exciting!

That's the only update at the moment. Keep checking, periodically, to see if I have updated more. I will definitely be keeping everyone posted!

It's Okay Everyone! She's gone! *phew*

Here's a little insight into the last few days of my hectic, crazy, absolutely insane life.

According to my ever-so-nice grandmother, I'm now an abusive parent no better than my mother because I'm stressed about my husband being in Utah, and wouldn't give her the details to my bank account.
... Seriously?

Okay. Let me explain.

This crazy ass woman was asking me about my bank account. Some things happened with the Army that my husband ended up having to deal with. Nothing serious. Said thing got resolved, so I started getting happy. This woman starts getting nosy and asking me what I was so happy about. I started to try to explain it to her, and she starts arguing with me about how it's supposed to go and how my husband isn't supposed to be the one to deal with these things. I keep trying to explain to her, but she just gets mad at me and thinks she knows everything because she is a wife to someone in the NAVY and not the ARMY.
So Mrs. I-Know-Everything stomped off saying "Fine, get screwed over!"
I retort with "Fuck you, I know what I'm talking about. Stay out of my business anyway."

Before this, however, she went to my OB/GYN appointment with me. I don't know what my daughter's problem was (I'm thinking that it was the vile woman I brought with me) but she started screaming and hollering and not minding me and just being a very mean two-year-old. It happens, I know. So I take her in the hallway. My hands are full, so I grab her by her arm and lift her up to take her through the door. Once out the door, I set her down. I put my stuff down on the bench in the hallway, pick her up again, and walk her to the bathroom to sit her down and talk to her. I was crying at this point because Deralynn is screaming and the other patients in the waiting room were already annoyed from the office being two hours behind. So I take her into the bathroom, set her on the sink counter, and stare her in the face and talk to her. She had sort of calmed down by this point. I relaxed a little because I had been telling her rather loudly to stop, pulled myself together, gave her kisses and went back to the hallway.
As soon as she saw vile woman, she started acting out again. So Vile Woman took her to the car and drove her around so I could get to my appointment.
Vile Woman is MAD at me at this point and telling me I need to calm down and stop yelling at her and abusing her.
... Seriously? Abusing her? How was I abusing her? Grabbing her up by her arm is not abusive. Getting loud with her (NOT talking down to her. I never talk down to my child. Ever. She's a smart, beautiful, very talented girl and I tell her that every day) is not abusive. Nothing I did that day was abusive.
However, Vile Woman goes to Facebook. Puts on her wall that I was abusing my daughter and everyone in the doctors office saw it and they were giving me dirty looks and she was worried one of them was going to call CPS and that she saw it first-hand.

At this point, I'm fucking livid. Absolutely pissed.

She texts me the next morning asking if I'm bringing Deralynn to the parade, and asking if I was going to stop yelling at her.
I told her to fuck off, and take that shit off of Facebook. I said she would never see my daughter again and that I could raise her just fine without her. I also told her that I hope the disease she GAVE HERSELF kills her. Mean? Yes. I know. But this is the last time this woman does this to me.

Here are the Messages from here on.

Her: "You need to get over your stress about trey"
Me: "I'm not stressed about him. You need to keep your fat nosy ass out of my money business. You don't need to know anything about his back pay or his active status. I hope that disease you have kills you."
Her: "It's not the first time you've used get to hurt me in not gonna fight with you."  (Remember those lines, people) "Yesterday you successfully alienated your friends who care about you. I LOVE YOU. but if you want me dead you got it. I survived what they did to me for you Ashley and deralynn you don't need me so I'm out of here. Goodbye"

Me: "Bye."

Her: "I'm gonna kill myself and its your fault live with it"

Me: "Oh, woe is me."

Her: "You are a hateful bitch no better than. Your mother"

Me: "Okay."
Her: "You use people until they piss you off I've had enough of being used. You still owe grandpa all the money we given you guys to help you 2 out with cars and insurance and rent. You can't go around using people and not expect to have to pay them back."
Me: "Okay."
Her: "Grandpa didn't mind because he loves deralynn and he likes trey but you he doesn't trust because you keep doing this. You are not stable mentally"
Me: "Okay."                          --Remember she said she wasn't going to fight with me?--
Her: "I'm getting rid of every baby thing you have stored here and NO YOU CAN'T COME GET IT. I'm getting rid of all memories of you and your children."
Me: "Lol. Okay."
Her: "I'm not opening my heart up again to a cold hearted bitch lime you again  Fuck you"
Me: "Okay."
Her: "You might as well have been Michaels daughter your just like hi."
Me: "Okay, if you feel that way."
Her: "Yes I can't let myself be hurt by you anymore and ALL of your friends are gonna get tired of your bullshit too. You have hit me, kicked me, slapped me. Got the school to call CPS on me. Told me to die. Kept your baby from me. And yet I forgave you. Well forgiveness doesn't come easy mow and your daughter is the one who's gonna suffer. Ashley told me what I witnessed yesterday isn't the first time you've done her that way"
Me: "Okay."

Couple days later,
Me: "From this point forward, please do not contact me in any way, shape, or form, or I will be forced to file harassment charges. Thank you."
Her: "Fuck off."
Me: "Okay."
*TEN MINUTES LATER*
Her: "You are dead to me do not text me again you will NOT treat me like this ever again"


--- End of Conversation -- 

Really?
I told her to not contact me in any. At all. And she's been getting people to tell me things from her.
I'm keeping record of all of it, and I'm filing charges on her.
I'm hurting her? Constantly?
Funny, when I finally started talking to her again after she got pissed off at me for leaving the Army, I told her that I was done with the drama. One more time and we were done. She did it again and I'm done. But yeah, that's only the first couple days.

Then about two days ago I went to the ER for this horrible pain I was feeling in my more-than-nether-regions. NOT. FUN.
I thought it was baby's position when I woke up that morning. It kindof hurt but not extremely, so I just let it go. The longer the day went, the worse it got. Finally at about 5pm I went to the ER and got taken to labor and delivery to make sure it wasn't contractions.
.... Trust me. It's not contractions. I've had them.

Well, after Tylenol #3 (The good stuff) and some Antibiotics, I had to pee. REALLY BAD.
Turns out it was a kidney stone. A rather large one. -.-
FML.
Sucked. I never had the back pain that goes with kidney stones. Never had any signs or symptoms. It just hurt in my girlyparts and that's all I knew... But it's out. I'm on antibiotics to make sure there is not any infection or anything.

Anyway.
I'm going to call my husband now. I have more to type about my ideas for the beebee, but I'll get to those later.

Officially Facebook Free!

Facebook is gone. Too much drama.
There is always someone who thinks everything is about them. No matter what it is.

Facebook asks: "What is on your mind?"
My answer: "It's days like these that I need you. Here. Not across the country. Fuck you, army. Just fuck you."

Somehow that translates into: "My Dr. Appointment fucking sucked and I need every single person to ask me if I'm okay!"

In reality, that post had nothing to do with the doctor (Why the fuck would it?), anybody involved in the doctor, or any specific person, for that matter. The only person who should have been asking me anything was my husband, who in fact, I was talking to at the time.
When I got asked how it was, I replied with "It was fine."
And apparently that means I have an attitude and every body I know is going to get mad because I don't want to go into little bitty details.
Funny, I got called a hypocrite, too. By the person who I thought was my best friend.
Let me explain.

When people get on Facebook, they put statuses like "I wish I had someone to talk to."
And when they get responses like "I'm here, what's wrong?"
They answer, "I don't want to talk about it."

What. The. Fuck.

So when I put the status about the Army, apparently I'm trolling for sympathy. You know what? Here's the fucking conversation.

So-called friend: "Hey everything ok? How'd the Dr appt go?"
Me: "It was fine."
friend: "O ok well I'm just checking on u Bcuz of ur post earlier."
Me: "If I wanted to talk about it I would have."
friend: "W/e Jessika I wad just worried abt u but don't worry I won't make tht Damn mistake again"
Me: -Completely dumbfounded, by the way- "You and all the other goddamned nosy people can leave me the fuck alone. If I wanted to talk about the shit I would have said something. It has not a damn thing to do with you or anyone else. So the attitude that you just got with me can kiss my ass."
friend: "I was just checking on u, and u got attitude first, I was worried abt u I would've let it drop if u had just sd I'm fine and u know tht, I'm sry if u r pissed @ the Damn world but i did nothing t u and know it and if u didn't want ppl asking if u were ok u shouldn't have posted it on Facebook. U always point tht out to other ppl..."
Me: "Did you not see the IT WAS FINE part of the message? And no, you read it as attitude. So check yourself. Then fucking try again."
friend: "Whatever... I'm done"
Me: "I have no idea what the fuck crawled up your ass, but if you read the post completely instead of being nosy it says FUCK YOU ARMY. I figured anyone with common sense could figure out what the problem was."


What's funny is this, I do point things like that out on other people's Facebook. However, only if they're trolling for attention. I was not trolling for attention. I did not ask anyone to comment, I did not ask anyone to talk to me and I did NOT fucking say I was having a goddamned bad day. I'm just tired of it. Other people starting drama for me. I'm done with it.

I'm leaving for Colorado on November 7th, and to be completely honest, I don't know if I'm coming back. I hate it here. I'm tired of everybody trying to fucking tell me how to raise my child and what I should and shouldn't do in public. I'm tired of getting fucking yelled at because I'm just a soldier's wife and can't do shit about the problems that my husband's unit has. I don't feel ENTITLED to shit like your old ass does! 

"Waa! Navy Wives don't get any kind of help from the Navy for schooling!"

No. You don't. Why the fuck would you? You didn't get up and get deployed and defend our country. You didn't sign up, why would the Navy give you help for school? According to the military, all you do is suck the dick of a sailor. (Or soldier, or marine, or airman, or whatever branch your spouse is in.)
So stop telling me what I need to go do to get our shit straight. It doesn't matter what I do. I'm just a fucking civilian to the military and they don't want my opinion. Stop feeling so entitled to shit that you didn't earn, and stop telling me what I need to do to get it straight. There's nothing I can do. Being a military wife is NOT the hardest job in the military. Trust me. I've been on both sides. Being the wife is NOTHING compared to leaving your family for months at a time with a possible chance of not coming back. You don't know that feeling. I don't know that feeling. Only the SERVICE MEMBER knows that feeling. You want to earn some shit? Get off your ass and do it. It's that simple. Really.

The members of our military are already getting fucked around with enough. They really don't need your cranky, I-Want-Everything-He-Gets ass getting in the way.